Biscuits with a survival rating. Tea included. Dignity optional.
Hobnobs to house brands. Trolley full. Cashier visibly concerned.
Real tea at 82°C, a stopwatch, slow motion. Someone has to do this.
Full packs that earned their rating, boxed by tier, shipped to your door. Anywhere in the world.
Real packs from the big names, timed in real tea by a man with a stopwatch and unresolved feelings. Every pack earns its rating before it earns a box.
0-2s
Crumbles if you look at it funny. Survived by its wrapper. Memorial service Tuesdays.
5-10s
The dependable everyman. Clocks in, gets dunked, goes quietly into the mug.
30s+
Possibly not technically food. Currently being studied by structural engineers.
“He’s gone in too deep. He knows it. We know it. The mug knows it.”
*Timed in builder’s tea at 82°C. Herbal tea is not recognised by the testing committee.
Full packs of biscuits you actually know, dunk-rated and boxed by survival tier. Reserve yours free, pay when it ships. This is science.
2 packs · £8
Two certified survivors to start your dunk career. For people who stir quietly and apologise to furniture.
5 packs · £18
A full spread across the Dunk Rating, Glass Cannon to Indestructible. For people who own a teapot and have opinions about it.
10 packs · £30
Engineer-grade supply. Survives the dunk, the postman, and most family gatherings. Comes with a laminated certificate.
Checkout is in the post. Boxes go on sale the moment testing wraps, follow @dunkmybiscuits for the klaxon.
Prices may wobble before launch. Biscuit economics are volatile. We ship worldwide; international postage may cost more than the biscuits. We respect the commitment.
A box of dunk-rated biscuits is the birthday gift for the person who has everything, the Secret Santa that ends Secret Santa, and a genuinely excellent apology.
Gift notes at launch. We’ll even write it for you. We’re quite funny.
Once every pack has been through the tea. Testing is happening now and going up on TikTok and Instagram. Reserve a box and you get first dibs the day the shop opens.
Absolutely not. These are full packs of the big names you already love, bought from real shops, dunk-rated by us, and boxed by survival tier. We test biscuits. We do not trust ourselves near an oven.
Yes. Anywhere. International postage may cost more than the biscuits themselves. We respect the commitment and will pack the box like it’s going to the moon.
It started as one. Then we bought a stopwatch and a thermometer. It is deadly serious now.
Every Crate ships with a Certificate of Dunk Readiness. Laminated. Suitable for framing, fridges, and showing to people who doubted you.
File a formal complaint on TikTok with video evidence and the tag #dunkmybiscuits. The testing committee reviews all appeals over a brew.
Unlikely, it’s biscuits. But if something’s wrong we’ll sort you out properly, no drama. We will, however, quietly note it in your file.
Tea, mostly.